Again, I forgot about this. I saw that I last posted 6 months ago. 2 days after that post, I got a dog.
3 days later I found out I was pregnant. Again.
5 weeks later….I’m on Vicodin at work because I have to work and a miscarriage is just, you know, routine around here.
I didn’t feel good until about 2 weeks ago.
My mom once told me that it took her 6 months until she felt like she could do stuff after her mom died. I guess it’s genetic.
Things aren’t ALL gloom and doom!
My brother got married to a lovely gal and their wedding was a hoot! We had 60 bottles of wine and 15 bottles of champagne to divide after the festivities. I’m not sure why he thinks people can drink wine like him.
My new dog is fantastic and a glorious mess.
My career has stalled because I chose to halt it. ( this is a good thing)
Because my mental state has somewhat cleared, I am no longer over-thinking.
I am looking forward to the impending rain as I am an avid toober and more water means the longer river run.
As I type this, the lyrics to ” my guitar gently weeps” are running through my head. I don’t know why!


do you know what it feels like to be still?

How long has it been since you got lost in your head and perhaps drooled on yourself?

I took this week off. Here’s the run down of my schedule:

Wake up, feed the farm, police them while making coffee. Let the dogs out and drink coffee while enjoying the morning. Sit on couch with cats for 20 minutes and learn something new.

Get going: work for 2-3 hrs at job, for the next 4-5 hours I practice and clean on breaks. Sometimes I neglect a chore in favor of playing with pets or sitting outside.

After my 3 hr rehearsal, I come home to the permanent room mate and snuggle while chatting and then eventually watch a show and head to bed.

i was lucky this week because I had 2 days and one night without the hubs; I got to be by myself. A LUXURY!

i felt relaxed. I got to think about a lot.

Its hard to stop. I highly recommend it. Even if it inconveniences you.

The past few weeks have been hectic and exhausting. I had a LOT of work and we also had houseguests for about a week.

My work has switched management and that has been odd.

I scattered my dogs ashes last week and it brought back my feelings of depression. I’m also a bit anxious as I have to meet with my ex at some point to give him some of the ashes.

I keep thinking that I would LOVE a vacation but then I’d need a few days to recover from that. I have a hard time taking time off; it’s not really my nature to sit around.

life has returned to normal. Which is kinda strange.

its been a few months since I left Facebook and the fact that I still think of status updates prompted me to look at the psychological effects FB can have. I wasn’t startled by what I read but it was informative and explains why I was having some of the reactions towards things and situations. I do find it amazing that this thing that is supposed to make us more connected can, in fact, isolate us more.

(good god. I smell like a combo of samosas from the gas station and a customers atrocious cologne.)

ive been trying to write more lately. I used to be a good writer and I’d like to get back to that.

hello outer space

im doing a follow-up post on my miscarriage as I can’t find anything on the web. I’ll give a brief-as-I-can recap and then start with the follow-up.

miscarried at 9.5/11.5weeks. I was given 3 choices: D&C, natural, cytotec. I chose cytotec because I didn’t NEED a D&C ( and didn’t want the recovery time) and the natural was creepy to me.

Cytotec is either new in the states or not often chosen or written about. My pharmacist wasn’t able to give me any info on time frame. I researched it. There was some stuff on that.  I gave my gyno hell about not telling me ANYTHING. Note:  I only had Tylenol 3.

i inserted on a Friday  ( though I understand it is sometimes given orally). 4 hrs in I took the Tylenol. At 6 hours I went into labor. It lasted 30 minutes and I could feel contractions starting as well as getting stronger and closer together. Very little happened. 4 hours later, same thing but with big chunks, my water actually broke, and one pass of what I thought was sac.  Heavy bleeding followed. The next day I was just tired with heavy bleeding. The 3rd day (Sunday) I went to poop and, with no warning, the sac-with placenta attached-,  came out. I then bled for 2 weeks, had a week off and my body kino of had a period. It took 5 weeks for my HcG to go down.

Since then I have had a 2nd period. Yes, it was heavier, like they said it would be. What I wasn’t told and cannot find info about is “post-partum” . I realize that I was barely pregnant but-at least for me- my body seems to have registered this pregnancy. This is the reason I’m writing this. From what I can find on the web, there is nothing.

here are my “post-Parton” symptoms: I have acne, my weight is all over the place, I DEF know I’m ovulating because I leave fucking GLOBS of ya-ya on my better half, and my post-preg-emotion-nobaby shit is off the charts. I have heard of women having thoughts/actions about their kids/family after pregnancy but I didn’t think I’d be going fucking apeshit defending my husband and our goddamn kitty-litter choice. I’m so protective and private these days that it’s weird. The weird thing is that pregnancy calmed my anxiety and THAT seems to have stuck. I’m WAY more unwilling to deal with shit now ( like, I used to take it and now I just call a person out) and very little bothers me like it used to. I’m actually calmer. (I REALLY LIKE THAT)

it’s taken 2 months for me to “get back to normal. I’m  now a little more energetic, I’m interested in sex, I’m not nervous about being pregnant again , and I laugh like I used to. I know that during this time I also lost my dog. That was harder than the miscarriage. Those feelings definitely impacted a lot but should not have changed certain aspects of my being.  But I also know how I handle grief and I know my body and a lot of things weren’t normal.

If you stumble upon this, please ask.nif I don’t know, I’ll ask for you.

This has been an odd Summer for friendships. Lost a “friend” ( he’s gone crazy on me before so that line of trust was broken)because he saw me standing by my husband as friendship treason. Fine.

Another person- who I’ve never trusted and think is a gossip-hound- is pissed at me for calling out some people for their treatment of others in our profession. I mentioned no names as I felt I should give those people a chance to right the situation. She somehow got the impression it was all about her. [where did SSS(special snowflake syndrome) come from?!] when she tried to text, email, and call, I didn’t answer any as my words are generally used against me. What made me text was her inferring that our friendship was over should I NOT call her back to tell her these people’s names and that I somehow OWED her this information. (Eventhoughidontlikerumors. Kthxbyeeeee). I called her out on it.

Someone I DID consider to be a close friend has just sort of slipped away.

I realize a lot happened in my life this Summer but that doesn’t mean that’s all I want to talk about and I don’t need anyone’s sympathy. Did I feel a little overwhelmed and sad? Sure! But that doesn’t mean I want to discuss it. It means I want to enjoy life. I want to feel normal. I can discuss things but I know it can overwhelm others as well. And maybe that’s why she slipped away. I can get that. But it hurts that instead of continuing to be my friend and tell me that everything is ok on her end, she’s just chosen to ignore me.

I know I’ll hear from her for my birthday. And that’s a sweet thought. But I miss her and the other 3 we hung out with. The 4 of them just sort of quit texting. I know they get together. Oh well?

i DO feel much better. It takes time. Occasionally I REALLY miss my dog and it hurts.

I ran in to one of the previously mentioned 4 people the other day and she told me I needed to drink tea to strengthen my uterus. I was kinda like, da fuq? I felt like telling her that the baby didn’t just, like, fall out at the grocery store. When I asked her “Strengthen?” (My literal word with a head cock) she said so that I could have a healthy pregnancy and baby. I think this is the first time I felt gut-punched. Like I felt as if someone was telling me the miscarriage was my fault. I had felt that way from my own guilt but to feel like someone else was saying it was a wretched feeling.


It’s been a strange Summer of loss.

There’s a lot of information on the web about losing a pet and its effects on a person. The same goes for miscarriage. What the web doesn’t tell you is how one-not to mention TWO- can potentially alter your psyche. And you can ask yourself if it’s that you are depressed for some reason or another or missing something so bad that you are a little fuzzy but the truth is, sometimes shit fucks with your brain chemistry. So bad that you “can’t recover”. I use quotations because it’s not that you are depressed or not over it, you are just so significantly changed as a human that you ARE altered.

This is what I think may have happened to me. And I don’t talk about this lightly. There are parts of me that are so absolutely gone- it shocks the shit out of me. There are parts of me that I never knew existed that are here. There are thoughts and feelings unrelated to either of the two events that are completely unlike me. There is a personality that is shifting to morph with the “one before” that is not what I would have thought from myself but that is not unpleasant. Maybe I’m just growing up? I’m 37….I don’t know.

What I am saying is that I’m not scared, im just taken aback. I don’t actually know the person that I am now or that I am becoming. That’s really odd for me.

I deactivated my Facebook account partly because of this. Nothing on Facebook seemed to be real, it was a consistent barrage of justification articles, useless political posts, and really bland kid updates . Not sure which one of those was worse. I felt totally disconnected to the world( instead of MORE), I wasn’t understanding any of my friends anymore as they became more and more narrow minded; into their own thought-abyss that was fueled by any article a 20-minute-seeking journalist could write… The news on there was not truthful nor were people’s opinions; they were media pawns. I could not bring myself to share my thoughts anymore. My thoughts on my dog. You want to shout to the rooftops about your 4 month old? I want to shout to the fucking rooftops about my 16 year old dog! I want to tell you about watching and feeling my fetus slip out and having to dig through some actual shit to get it. But you know why I don’t? BECAUSE ITS FUCKING PRIVATE! And yet I have been conditioned to think its not. Because everyone else is “bringing awareness”.

Let me bring awareness to you: your kid is special. To you. It’s special to your family. It’s moderately special to your friends and it’s barely special to anyone on FB. But they make you think it’s special because, if they don’t, some constantly-dieting, troll-ass bitch who finds it SO HARD YOU HAVE NO IDEA to raise a kid, will “call you out” and be the start of a self-fulfilling, special snowflake war. Your kid isn’t special. They aren’t awesome. And no, your childless friends aren’t clueless. This? This .

Do I care if you diet? For my two 400 lb friends I do. They are fucking grossly unhealthy. But for the rest of you? Not really. Tone it down. (HA! See what I did there?) no one really cares. It’s great that you are making a lifestyle change. Everyone gets that it’s hard. We know beer is bad. So is your hangry self-induced  judgement and that’s why we defriended you and can’t come over for “kale Wednesday”. Gluten free? You aren’t special. You are annoying. Vegan? We knew when you blew away when we whistled “Dixie” toward you.

Do you have political opinions? GREAT! Let me just tell you, though, you  and I aren’t smart for having them. Or for bringing awareness. I bring awareness to my lack of bank funds but the truth is, if I don’t DO something for or about them, nothing gets done. So, quit bringing awareness to shit. Just organize your thoughts, get a plan, execute.

please stop justifying yourself. No one is actually interested. I liked you a lot before you started posting articles justifying co sleeping. Then you tried to publicly justify  it with an article and then got mad at me for calling you out on something that’s YOUR private decision. But you, um, were so, um public, um about it.

if you post about Religion just go fuck your mighty self.  With a large electric drill. Stop. Just stahp.

thats the news from the stoop tonight. Where all the women are fine, all the men are fine, and all the children are in bed be cause it’s adult:30

I forgot I created this. I’m not entirely sure why I did in the first place. I’m not necessarily an outgoing person that wants their shit out there. But it’s strangely comforting to know that it is and that someone reads it and might think ” good, I’m not the only one.”

so let me tell you about the last month.

On 7/15 I found out my 10 week old fetus died. Was this surprising? Not really. I’m in my late 30’s and its my first. Was it heartbreaking? No. Was it sad? Very.  Was it creepy to have a dead human inside of you for a week before it came out? Fuck yes.

I decided to have Cytotec instead of a D&C or natural. I shoved 4 pills up my ya-ya and had a cup of coffee. I also looked on the interwebs for info. There isn’t much out there, ladies. 4 hours later I thought things might be doing what things do and took 2 Tylenol-3’s. 2 hours after that I was outside with the dogs and needed to poop. After situating myself on my throne, I felt a quick cramp and as my bowels opened, so did labor. Full fucking labor. I sat there FEELING contractions getting closer together, and more intense. I wa alternating between throwing up and passing out. After *some* blood and about an hour, I rolled myself off the toilet and into the bathtub. I took a bath and felt normal. And thought “WTF just happened?!”. 4 hours later I was back out with the dogs and had to poop. Here we go again! This time I pulled a fan in there with me. No horrible contractions just a lot of clumps and clots and then a little bit of pink tissue. Thought it was over. 2 days later( you guessed it, out with dogs. Poop)  I sat down, my water broke and a sac attached to the placenta came out. I didn’t check for a baby because I knew it would devastate me. I wrapped it all up, put it in pretty paper and stuck it in the freezer. It’s still there.( Because…)

Going through that was harder-emotionally and physically- than I would have thought. But I married a great guy!

2 weeks after, I had to put my 16 year old dog down. I knew it was coming.mi just didn’t know how quick.

Theres levity at the bottom. I promise.

My wonderful dog. My comfort and joy. My every sigh and all my laughter. To not have her here is absolute torture. I turned to her in comfort and there very being I turned to is not here. Pieces of my heart and soul left me that day; pieces I will never recover but that I am happy for her to take should she find comfort in them. I picked up her ashes yesterday and, well…it nearly broke me again.

They rest at my bedside. Next to me, where she always was until she couldn’t be. So now she’s with me again. I cannot look at them or her pictures because my heart can’t handle it.

It has been 2 weeks since her death and tomorrow will be 1month since the baby completely came out.

I don’t feel normal.

Why? Because 2 SO shitty things happened.

My husband and I planned what to do with the baby’s remains.

i planned what to do with GG’s.

i don’t know that he cares much any more.

I care a great deal.

It IS harder for me.

Had GG not died, I would feel these things now. I always have a delayed response. With her gone, I’m now feeling the full brunt of all things.

(I’m not out of it, I know I’m a little depressed and have called a therapist)

i didn’t really expect my dogs death to be so bad for me. But it really has been. My baby was loved and wanted and already-fawned over. But I never knew my baby. I knew my dog. For almost 16 years.

When I tell you I’m more sad about my dog: think about people you had heard of in the past 10 weeks. Think about the beings you have known for 15 1/2 years.

I will always love what that 10 week old baby taught me about myself and will love it for being it. But I will never stop missing my dog. I will never forget her smell, her smile, her eyes, her fur, her feet, her noises, or the love we felt for each other.

We had a pet rat that died around the midnight hour of a very rainy night.m(Bowser was his name) My mother put him in a box, taped it up, and stuck it/him in the freezer until his body wouldn’t be carried away by El Niño. About a year later, my brothers friend was searching for ice cream. Dare I tell you what he found? We rent. The last tenants left Malibu Rum. I hope we don’t leave a pretty-papered package ..l

You know what I learned? I’m not a super-human. I thought I could deal with it all. And I can’t. And that’s ok.

Im also still here with no intention of going anywhere.