I forgot I created this. I’m not entirely sure why I did in the first place. I’m not necessarily an outgoing person that wants their shit out there. But it’s strangely comforting to know that it is and that someone reads it and might think ” good, I’m not the only one.”

so let me tell you about the last month.

On 7/15 I found out my 10 week old fetus died. Was this surprising? Not really. I’m in my late 30’s and its my first. Was it heartbreaking? No. Was it sad? Very.  Was it creepy to have a dead human inside of you for a week before it came out? Fuck yes.

I decided to have Cytotec instead of a D&C or natural. I shoved 4 pills up my ya-ya and had a cup of coffee. I also looked on the interwebs for info. There isn’t much out there, ladies. 4 hours later I thought things might be doing what things do and took 2 Tylenol-3’s. 2 hours after that I was outside with the dogs and needed to poop. After situating myself on my throne, I felt a quick cramp and as my bowels opened, so did labor. Full fucking labor. I sat there FEELING contractions getting closer together, and more intense. I wa alternating between throwing up and passing out. After *some* blood and about an hour, I rolled myself off the toilet and into the bathtub. I took a bath and felt normal. And thought “WTF just happened?!”. 4 hours later I was back out with the dogs and had to poop. Here we go again! This time I pulled a fan in there with me. No horrible contractions just a lot of clumps and clots and then a little bit of pink tissue. Thought it was over. 2 days later( you guessed it, out with dogs. Poop)  I sat down, my water broke and a sac attached to the placenta came out. I didn’t check for a baby because I knew it would devastate me. I wrapped it all up, put it in pretty paper and stuck it in the freezer. It’s still there.( Because…)

Going through that was harder-emotionally and physically- than I would have thought. But I married a great guy!

2 weeks after, I had to put my 16 year old dog down. I knew it was coming.mi just didn’t know how quick.

Theres levity at the bottom. I promise.

My wonderful dog. My comfort and joy. My every sigh and all my laughter. To not have her here is absolute torture. I turned to her in comfort and there very being I turned to is not here. Pieces of my heart and soul left me that day; pieces I will never recover but that I am happy for her to take should she find comfort in them. I picked up her ashes yesterday and, well…it nearly broke me again.

They rest at my bedside. Next to me, where she always was until she couldn’t be. So now she’s with me again. I cannot look at them or her pictures because my heart can’t handle it.

It has been 2 weeks since her death and tomorrow will be 1month since the baby completely came out.

I don’t feel normal.

Why? Because 2 SO shitty things happened.

My husband and I planned what to do with the baby’s remains.

i planned what to do with GG’s.

i don’t know that he cares much any more.

I care a great deal.

It IS harder for me.

Had GG not died, I would feel these things now. I always have a delayed response. With her gone, I’m now feeling the full brunt of all things.

(I’m not out of it, I know I’m a little depressed and have called a therapist)

i didn’t really expect my dogs death to be so bad for me. But it really has been. My baby was loved and wanted and already-fawned over. But I never knew my baby. I knew my dog. For almost 16 years.

When I tell you I’m more sad about my dog: think about people you had heard of in the past 10 weeks. Think about the beings you have known for 15 1/2 years.

I will always love what that 10 week old baby taught me about myself and will love it for being it. But I will never stop missing my dog. I will never forget her smell, her smile, her eyes, her fur, her feet, her noises, or the love we felt for each other.

We had a pet rat that died around the midnight hour of a very rainy night.m(Bowser was his name) My mother put him in a box, taped it up, and stuck it/him in the freezer until his body wouldn’t be carried away by El Niño. About a year later, my brothers friend was searching for ice cream. Dare I tell you what he found? We rent. The last tenants left Malibu Rum. I hope we don’t leave a pretty-papered package ..l

You know what I learned? I’m not a super-human. I thought I could deal with it all. And I can’t. And that’s ok.

Im also still here with no intention of going anywhere.