There’s a lot of information on the web about losing a pet and its effects on a person. The same goes for miscarriage. What the web doesn’t tell you is how one-not to mention TWO- can potentially alter your psyche. And you can ask yourself if it’s that you are depressed for some reason or another or missing something so bad that you are a little fuzzy but the truth is, sometimes shit fucks with your brain chemistry. So bad that you “can’t recover”. I use quotations because it’s not that you are depressed or not over it, you are just so significantly changed as a human that you ARE altered.

This is what I think may have happened to me. And I don’t talk about this lightly. There are parts of me that are so absolutely gone- it shocks the shit out of me. There are parts of me that I never knew existed that are here. There are thoughts and feelings unrelated to either of the two events that are completely unlike me. There is a personality that is shifting to morph with the “one before” that is not what I would have thought from myself but that is not unpleasant. Maybe I’m just growing up? I’m 37….I don’t know.

What I am saying is that I’m not scared, im just taken aback. I don’t actually know the person that I am now or that I am becoming. That’s really odd for me.

I deactivated my Facebook account partly because of this. Nothing on Facebook seemed to be real, it was a consistent barrage of justification articles, useless political posts, and really bland kid updates . Not sure which one of those was worse. I felt totally disconnected to the world( instead of MORE), I wasn’t understanding any of my friends anymore as they became more and more narrow minded; into their own thought-abyss that was fueled by any article a 20-minute-seeking journalist could write… The news on there was not truthful nor were people’s opinions; they were media pawns. I could not bring myself to share my thoughts anymore. My thoughts on my dog. You want to shout to the rooftops about your 4 month old? I want to shout to the fucking rooftops about my 16 year old dog! I want to tell you about watching and feeling my fetus slip out and having to dig through some actual shit to get it. But you know why I don’t? BECAUSE ITS FUCKING PRIVATE! And yet I have been conditioned to think its not. Because everyone else is “bringing awareness”.

Let me bring awareness to you: your kid is special. To you. It’s special to your family. It’s moderately special to your friends and it’s barely special to anyone on FB. But they make you think it’s special because, if they don’t, some constantly-dieting, troll-ass bitch who finds it SO HARD YOU HAVE NO IDEA to raise a kid, will “call you out” and be the start of a self-fulfilling, special snowflake war. Your kid isn’t special. They aren’t awesome. And no, your childless friends aren’t clueless. This? This .

Do I care if you diet? For my two 400 lb friends I do. They are fucking grossly unhealthy. But for the rest of you? Not really. Tone it down. (HA! See what I did there?) no one really cares. It’s great that you are making a lifestyle change. Everyone gets that it’s hard. We know beer is bad. So is your hangry self-induced  judgement and that’s why we defriended you and can’t come over for “kale Wednesday”. Gluten free? You aren’t special. You are annoying. Vegan? We knew when you blew away when we whistled “Dixie” toward you.

Do you have political opinions? GREAT! Let me just tell you, though, you  and I aren’t smart for having them. Or for bringing awareness. I bring awareness to my lack of bank funds but the truth is, if I don’t DO something for or about them, nothing gets done. So, quit bringing awareness to shit. Just organize your thoughts, get a plan, execute.

please stop justifying yourself. No one is actually interested. I liked you a lot before you started posting articles justifying co sleeping. Then you tried to publicly justify  it with an article and then got mad at me for calling you out on something that’s YOUR private decision. But you, um, were so, um public, um about it.

if you post about Religion just go fuck your mighty self.  With a large electric drill. Stop. Just stahp.

thats the news from the stoop tonight. Where all the women are fine, all the men are fine, and all the children are in bed be cause it’s adult:30